The Dreaded TALK
by U3fan
Summary: The birds and the bees. It's such a simple topic yet so difficult to explain, and not because of lack of knowledge. One day Naruto asks his sensei, Hatake Kakashi, "Where do babies come from?". Like the awesome teacher he is, Kakashi freezes and then runs away. He brings Tsunade into it, Jiraiya and then ultimately Iruka. Now how are the four closest adults to him going to do this?


I DO NOT OWN NARUTO

WARNINGS: Mentions of different types of sex, mentions of how babies (born and made), mentions of one night stands, hitting, a pervert or two, sex is said, a-hole is said, sperm is said and semen is said.

**Who's Going To Do It?**

"Tsunade-sama!" Kakashi exclaims as he abruptly opens the door to the Hokage's office.

The Godaime immediately raises her head, almost as an impulse reaction. She sees her normally cool ninja sweating and out of breath. This completely awakes her from her slumber.

"What is it?" she asks, worry in her voice.

Her eyes open wide.

"Is the village under attack?"

She closes them and begins massaging her temples.

Sighing, Tsunade adds "Because if it is, the timing couldn't be any worse. I have a major headache from last night's drinking competition with Jiraiya."

A small smile forms on the corner of her lips after recalling the previous night.

"Drinking alcohol can be fun, but it sure has it's downsides."

The door closes shut. The Hokage opens her eyes to see Kakashi with his back against the door, guarding it with his life.

"No!" he answers. "Worse!"

"What's worse than an attack?" she asks him.

She has to take a moment to think about this.

"Narrowing her eyes, she questions "Who died ?"

Kakashi raises an eyebrow.

"No one," he responds.

"Then what is so important?"

She slams a hand on her desk.

"Spit it out already!"

"Naruto wants to know where babies come from!" he tells her as quickly as possible.

She blinks a couple of times.

"So?"

"What do you mean so?" he questions.

"So, tell him," she explains.

He walks away from the door toward her desk, hands in pockets.

"I am not telling him... Why don't you tell him?"

"I can't tell him," she says. "I'm a girl. It just doesn't work out that way."

"Exactly! You're a girl," Kakashi states. "Who is also a medic ninja and knows more about the human body than I do."

"The answer is no," she tells him.

"Well, I'm not telling him either," Hatake replies.

She leans back in her chair crossing her arms under her chest.

After a moment of silence Tsunade asks "So, what do you propose we do?"

"We could ignore his questions and leave him uneducated," he suggests.

"So he can get my student pregnant?" she counters. "I don't think so."

"Or we could get Jiraiya to tell him."

As if on cue the white haired Sannin appears on the windowsill.

"Did I just hear my name?"

The Godaime watches him from the corner of her eye as he enters the room.

"Hello Tsunade," he greets her. "You're looking as beautiful as ever," his stare slightly lower than her face.

She sighs and rolls her eyes.

Pointing to her teammate, she says "This pervert isn't teaching Naruto **ANYTHING**."'The last thing I need is another Jiraiya running amok in this village.'

He gasps, his mouth wide open as if in shock.

"Just because I appreciate the female body, doesn't mean I'm a pervert."

"Mhm," Tsunade responds. "A little too much if you ask me."

Jiraiya opens his mouth to argue, but is interrupted by Kakashi's cough. The Toad Sage looks over at his student's student.

"Kakashi! How have you been?"

"Fine," he answers. "But we're getting off topic... What about Naruto?"

Looking from one adult to the other the male Sannin asks "What happened to Naruto?"

"He died," Tsunade lies, her voice completely serious though.

Hatake raises an eyebrow.

Jiraiya, taking the joke as a challenge counters "Of course because you fail at life."

"Hey!"

She glares at the man and he returns it. Kakashi clears his throat to get their attention.

'This is just like dealing with Naruto and Sakura.'

"Right," Jiraiya says and looks at the younger man. "So what really happened to Naruto?"

"He wants to know about babies," Hatake responds.

"Well that's easy," Jiraiya states. "Just tell him they only eat, sleep, cry and poop. It's a never ending cycle."

"Not like that!" Tsunade scolds.

Both men look at her.

"He wants to know how they're made and where they come from."

The perverted ninja bursts out laughing. The other two stare at him, confused. He wipes a tear from his eye.

"I wasn't even taught that."

Tsunade slaps her forehead and Kakashi shakes his head.

Through gritted teeth his teammate asks "How did you write all of those stupid books it you don't even know about it."

"I never said I didn't know about it," he tells her. "I had to learn the hard way."

Kakashi nods.

"You impregnated a woman."

Jiraiya raises an eyebrow at the strange conclusion.

"What? No! I watched a movie."

Tsunade growls and in response Jiraiya raises his hands up in defense.

"It was completely educational!"

After thinking about it her corrects himself.

"Well, somewhat."

Tsunade raises herself out of her seat and he continues.

"But about Naruto, so what?"

"That's what I said!"

She looks at Kakashi. The white haired Sannin follows her lead.

"I am not telling him," Hatake repeats. "And Tsunade doesn't want to tell him either."

Jiraiya looks at her in shock.

"Hime, I didn't know that you felt uncomfortable about such a topic."

She crosses her arms and looks away as she tells him "I'm not... I just think that it would be less embarrassing for Naruto if he heard it from a male's perspective."

"But a woman's perspective would be so much better, considering the fact that he'll be dealing with them for the rest of his life," Jiraiya tells her.

"And it'll be embarrassing either way," Kakashi adds.

She looks from one to the other.

"I know what you guys are trying to do, but it really doesn't matter whose perspective it's from."

She walks in front of her desk and takes a seat on it.

"Sex is sex no matter which way it's put."

Kakashi and Jiraiya start snickering. Pointing at his Hokage, Kakashi speaks.

"She said the s-word."

"I know!" Jiraiya states.

She rolls her eyes.

"You guys are so immature."

"What do you expect?" Jiraiya asks. "We're guys, Tsunade... And I agree with you completely."

She smiles at this and he continues.

"It doesn't matter which way it's put... It matters which hole it's put in!"

She growls as they both burst out in laughter.

"Enough!" she screams and both o them are sent backwards onto the floor by a slap to the face. "You two are grown men so start acting like it! At this rate the only thing Naruto is going to learn is how to be an asshole!"

They both raise themselves up.

"I apologize Tsunade-sama" Kakashi tells her as he rubs his cheek.

Jiraiya looks away angrily with his hands crossed over his chest. Tsunade stares at him and Kakashi clears his throat.

"Okay, yeah. I'm sorry too."

He looks at her.

"And if it's such a big deal, I'll just tell him one of my personal experiences."

"No!" she yells. "That is exactly what I don't want happening... We don't need you making up stories, 'cause that's what you're going to do, to impress the kid if he doesn't even know the difference between sperm and semen."

"There's a difference?" Kakashi asks looking from one Sannin to the next.

Jiraiya nods.

"Yeah... I think one's invisible."

The Hokage smacks herself on the forehead, again.

'This is hopeless.' "Obviously you two are incapable of this very simple task, but I know just the man for the job... And he's very close to Naruto as well."

"Who?" Kakashi asks.

88888

The three of them travel to the only school in the village and tell a certain teacher his new mission.

88888

"Me! But why me?" Iruka questions in shock.

"He looks up to you," Kakashi tells him.

"But he looks up to all of you too!" Iruka argues, pointing to them.

"Nooo," Tsunade says. "No he doesn't. Who told you that?"

"He did," the brown haired ninja answers.

"Nooo," she continues. "Trust me."

"I'm a pervert!" Jiraiya states.

"I'm an alcoholic," the Godaime tells him.

"And abusive!" Jiraiya adds.

She glares at him.

"And I'm addicted to porn," Kakashi says.

Tsunade looks at him.

"Ew"

He shrugs.

"B-but I can't," Iruka stammers.

"Why not?" his leader asks.

"I-I'm still a... Virgin," he tells them in a low voice.

Kakashi and Jiraiya start snickering, but stop upon meeting his glare.

"That's okay," she tells him. "And if that's the only problem, then I can get you laid tonight."

The white haired Sannin's eyes open wide and Kakashi's one does the same. They look at each other with the same idea running through their minds.

"I'm a virgin, Tsunade-sama!"!Kakashi tells her.

"Yeah!" Jiraiya says. "I'm a virgin too!"

She looks at her teammate with a raised eyebrow.

"No, you're not Jiraiya."

"You're right," he admits.

She looks at the other man.

"And why do I care, Kakashi?"

"Well, maybe when you're done with Iruka you can lay me tonight."

He raises an eyebrow at her.

"Huh?" he questions her answer.

The reply is a slap to his face and Jiraiya gets one too.

"W-w-why must you be so cruel?'' the Toad Sannin asks.

She rolls her eyes at him.

"I wasn't even talking about me, jeez! I meant I'd get someone else like Anko to do it," she tells them. "I would never sell my body. Not even for Naruto."

Looking at Iruka she questions, "Well?"

"I don't really want to have a one night stand," he replies. "I'm sorry."

He turns around to leave his room, but she stops him by gripping his arm.

"Listen you don't even have to have sex to tell him, you just have to know what it is."

She looks back at the two unconscious shinobi.

"Do you?" she asks.

He nods.

"Okay, good! You'll be fine."

"But it's going to be so awkward," he tells her.

"No it won't," she responds. "And we'll be there to back you up."

"Really?" the teacher questions.

She nods.

"Mhm. We'll be in the room, I mean we have to make sure you're telling him the right things."

Iruka nods.

"Okay, fine. I'll do it."

Tsunade smiles.

"Good! Choose a day and let me know before the end of this week."

With that she exits followed by her brown haired ninja. Kakashi and Jiraiya are left sleeping on the cold floor.

*****End of chapter 1. This is only going to be a two-shot, maybe 3. It takes place before Jiraiya takes Naruto out of the village for 3 years of training. Iruka will be giving Naruto "The Talk", but everyone will be giving their perspective on the topic. If anyone is ooc I apologize and the rating may have to change in the future because of Jiraiya's explanation. I always found this topic interesting and I took health last year and my teacher was awesome. Her stories were hilarious so I decided to make this fic. Anyways thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice rest of your day!*****


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